30. October 2017
Today, 2 years ago my life took an absolute turn. Some see me stupid, some admire me. Yesterday I asked my friend Roland: "Am I stupid in your opinion, like stupid that I am still not studying and actually am kind of lost with my plans, working with a minimum wage in a mall?" Well he was really quick to answer that "NOOOOOOOOOO, it's really cool that you have such experience so many will never have, you know so much more than some will ever know, you can go to school anytime, but it doesn't make you stupid if you just haven't got lucky yet." When I moved to Malta with "M", I saw how she was panicking over "What am I going to do with my life?". She thought she has no talent, she said she doesn't like anything enough to learn it and felt like she is just flowing through life achieving nothing while her besties are already killing it in fashion industry. I always told her that we are so young and it will come to us, we shouldn't worry and that the feeling is just coming from the society, it's the pressure of the society. Now 2 years later, I am in that same position with a difference that I do know what I like to do and what I would like to achieve, but at the same time, I feel like I am stuck and it's impossible to get out. Now I am terrified that I have to work with a minimum wage somewhere in a mall until I can't stand anymore. Terrified that I will never get to school to learn what I desire (because I have failed twice already so it's 3 years waste of time). Terrified that my goals will stay just there shining in my head making me feel like bleh that I can't figure out a way to get to them. It is said -
Right things will come to you at the right time, we just have to be patience Also - If you want to achieve what you desire, you got to work hard for it Both of these sayings I hate and love at the same time because they are against each other. What if I work hard on something, spend all of my time and energy on it and then something tiny happens and I find out that it wasn't for me and that absolutely something else was? Or what if I keep doing what I do, not pushing anything too hard because what happens will happen anyway, what is meant to be will be, but then I won't get what I desired and I will think back that I should have worked really hard on it, why did I let myself just trust life? I am only 21 and I am under the weight of that great pressure that I will not be good enough for a man if I don't achieve anything, I will not be good enough for the society when I don't know how to get what I want. What do I want? What do I want? Hello, my name is Madli and I like to know as much as possible about as many different things as possible. So now I am standing right in the middle of wanting to learn step-dance, wanting to travel, do photography, learn videography, study hairdressing, be a yogateacher, to actually grow my ability to draw portraits of people, to have a loving man, learn meditation, learn accounting, write articles, to have a blog, to blabla wow. How do I know from where to start? I want all of these things, but what do I want to be in my life as an everyday thing without starting to hate it because it has turned into a responsibility. Can't I have them all in some way working for me? See there is the question I have had my whole life and my answer is, my belief is - I can. I believe that we can achieve everything that we desire, the thing is that I am afraid that when I don't I will never be happy with my life. I have failed to start 2 times and 2 times I have been thrown down to the beginning again. I don't lose my desire for the things if I fail them, no. Since I stumbled on the following saying, every time I failed, I will just try again. If I want something, I work for it, I don't stop trying.
Everyone who knows my name, my face and that I own a camera, knows that I am absolutely passionate about it. If I love something, I don't give up on it. If I love someone, I don't give up on them either. It's hard for me to start loving. I was looking for "my thing" until I was 16. I didn't like anything, I went to every sports possible, every dance-club, art schools, nothing suit me until my brother gave me my very first camera. Now, I am not doing EVERYTHING I could do with photography because I don't feel I have good enough equipment to take a step forward even though I feel ready to take a step forward. Now I would say I haven't worked hard for it to learn and to get the feedback I have gotten so far, but some say that 12 hours of picture sorting and editing for nothing is working hard. Does it feel like just spending time when it is the thing you love to do the so said right thing to do? I don't like the feeling of people looking at me and thinking "she doesn't know how to spend money", "she doesn't know how to live life", "she is wasting her time", without actually knowing how hard I am trying to live my life not collapsing and throwing it all away to waste, everyday I plan and think through what I do with my money and what do I do with my time. People don't know and I shouldn't take it personally. It is not given to me, it has never been. I didn't get good grades already in the second class of elementary school while my sisters just went with all best grades until the end of middle school. I gave up really easy because I never felt like me in history class neither in physics or geographic or most of them. The things did not light me up inside and I hated to do something that didn't light me up but instead made my fire burn out. I am not lucky in games and I am not lucky with finding perfect opportunities or getting everything I want easily.
My light is burning again after the hardest challenge to make a fire in the storm. It is not raining every day anymore, but it certainly does come back some days trying to kill my fire and that is why I am here sitting down, doing what I love to do to keep the fire burning. I am calculating my every step, I am calculating what is good for my plans, what is not. I am counting every cent, to not waste it on things I don't need, instead to spend it on things that help me grow, spending it with people who help me grow. I can't have everything that would help me, actually, I can have really little. If I would have money, I would be so much more already and that is the story of every god damn person who has to figure it out their own since really young age. The story of every person who has had a rough past. The story of every person who has no rich parents and has been raised the way that asking for money is not an option. That is the story of every young person who has great goals in their mind but standing in the very beginning of a really long way. I don't need to achieve everything, If I could, cool, but If I achieve half of the things beside a loving man, I will be happier than to achieve all of the things without a loving man. There is a golden mean to everything.
