Hand on my heart to let you know before reading that I absolutely know that I personally have strong issues with rational and irrational thoughts, I am not honest or fair with myself, but this post will not yet be about being honest to yourself, but with others. I am working with myself and once I get the trick I will share. Same way I am actually every day working on myself to be honest with others, unfortunately I still have days when I am weak or nervous and burst out regretting later.
There is a slight difference in being honest based on a feeling and being honest based on a constant thought.
I never knew how to “shut up” when someone was rude to me. It meant talking back, being rude and saying anything to win, not to get hurt or to get the other one hurting more. I said things I knew were not right, knew the words that hurt and knew what people trusted me to not use against them. I have hurt a lot of people, especially in my teenage years, but I guess we all have had bad periods and while I hurt others, others hurt me. It was a circle of life until I started to realize and learn.
We learn the best when we will meet someone who is exactly like we are or even worse. To me, the case was “worse”. It really hit me, many times and I just let it happen for a long time, fighting back even for a longer time. One thing I did notice was that I did get quieter.
I still have days when I am at my absolute weakest and I might say something stupid, but it always ends up apologizing and making up because I will definitely ache my heart.
The differences –
Saying what you think when it pops up
Being honest definitely is saying what you think. For example, the quick answers to the question: “What are you thinking about?”. In these simple situations, it’s totally fine, but what if you don’t think what you are saying out in a conversation and it hurts the other. Words are not something we can always just take back. And yes, we do have to take into account who we are talking to. Everything that pops into our minds, we can’t just go burst it out and expect everyone to be okay with it. Even if you are honest about your thoughts or just joking. But being honest or a joke can turn into a hurtful thoughtlessness within seconds.
Saying what you think when you don’t think
That is the opposite of just saying what is on your mind – this is just saying something that even is not in your mind. I see my partner doing it and I saw my mom doing it when she was on the computer. I slowly am learning to be okay and make peace when something comes out the way someone doesn’t mean it. I mean you can see in the person’s eyes if they lie or not, if they just are not focused.
Want to avoid that? Stop talking and saying you are listening when you clearly are not. It’s a trap when you know you have things to do and can’t really focus. Just be honest – let’s talk later, please. Don’t half-ass. This way people don’t have to learn that you were not 100% in it through something stupid or hurtful you said.
Saying what you think after having the same thought over and over
Something appearing again and again on your mind and you never say it out because you think it will pass or you are not sure it is right. Well, that is okay. That is how we should do – calculate our feelings. Be it a good thing or a bad thing. More calculating if it is a bad thing. I mean good things – please say them out, don’t just think them.
Anyway, it is better to say things when we mean them and we definitely mean them if they pop up again and again. I don’t keep in even the things that may hurt. If I really really think that – I will say it out. Sadly the hardest part is to learn to say it nicely, sadly, it still comes out sometimes more like a hateful act in a fight. Even if it is not meant like that. The hardest part is to do it nicely, but it definitely isn’t impossible. “I need to talk to you about somethig that has been bothering me/I don’ understand about you.”
I have also lived under constant fear of saying what I think. This is not right. This is why I am saying what I think. It’s not nice to not be able to ever say what you think. So in that case – after years of collecting thoughts and repeating them and finally to burst them all out – it was super nice. We can’t collect thoughts. It will slowly eat us alive. So instead of collecting things, and toughts we should learn to let go of things superfluous and thoughts weighting us down.
Saying what you think when you have a strong negative feeling towards them
Don’t. Just don’t. You know what is the right thing to do? Say –
I am not talking from my heart right now so I will talk to you when I can.
The hate, the anger, the bad feeling, disappointment – it will go away 100%. Even if it takes a year or more. Even if at this moment it is the only thing you want to do. You don’t want to do it.
I learned it the hard way and it is hard every time someone says something hurtful. Be it a client or family – I try not to answer with an impulse response. Have you experienced the feeling when your negative feeling fades and suddenly you realize – yeah, they are not so bad and I understand – I AM GLAD I DIDN’T SAY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Have you actually let yourself experience such a high state of mind? I mean it doesn’t seem so high, but knowing what you actually think about a person and that hate is not real at that moment – that is worth the good feeling. A feeling of being a bigger and a better person.
Saying what you think when someone is saying something bad about you
Saying something bad just because they are saying something bad because of a strong negative feeling or they are saying honestly what has been bothering them, but it hurts you. Don’t fight. Don’t start saying bad about them just so you can feel better. Hear them out. Makes you angry? Well, try to calm down.
I fight with this right now, the part of not fighting back. I have really low self-esteem and I can’t really handle someone saying bad about me, sucks right. But I try to understand that when they are saying it nicely and not in a fight, they don’t mean to hurt me, they want to make it better.
It goes with the last one also, what if it builds a really big negative feeling towards them and they hurt you anyway so why not… NOPE. It will still go away and you can’t ever take it back. They hurt you, but is there really a need to hurt them back just because?
Saying what you think when someone else is pressuring you
We all have had friends we have grown out of and have learned that we can’t say honestly what we think or believe in front of them. Like some guys are ashamed to say they do yoga in front of their “badass partypeople women-hunting boys (cause I don’t call them men)” just because they don’t understand it. Or some people are ashamed to say they are going thtough depression and taking therapy as help. It builds pressure when you are looked at differently or laughed at. So you will start pretending as a person and your thoughts and words will not be 100% honest.
I have removed these kind of relationships. A friend that doesn’t support isn’t one right? Who looks at you like you are weird in a bad way or starts joking about what you like to do or what you believe. Of course, there are friends with whom you can’t talk about everthing because maybe they have beliefs that you have to respect. But this means they have been honest with you, letting you know how they are.
Saying what you mean
You have thought it through, you have a cut feeling and you feel it in your heart. You don’t want to go out with your pals to drink and party, but it’s a shame in the group to say no to a party. Say it anyway. You don’t like someone your friends/partner wants to hang out with and find it hard to spend time with them. Find a way to let them know and find a solution. You feel someone is treating you bad or hurting you – let them know, say it out loud. You feel heavy and life is getting hard – let people know you need support. Open up. Learning the differneces and learning to be quiet in some of those situations will make our lives better.
You know what made me think and helped me, it’s cheesy? Imagine if everything you say will be tattooed to your body.
What else? A really good friend of mine told me I whine about everything. What else? My boyfriend said I always focus on the bad more than on the good. It’s true, even when something nice is said to me, I’ll remember 10 times better the bad thing they once said. Apparently, it’s normal. Read a lot of articles about why do we remember bad more. Well, negative is easier to believe right.
Guilty of every single form of honesty and being I brought out.
Here I am trying to make a change. A change in me. I am really happy I don’t burst out anything bad anymore with just a snap, it takes someone to really get on my nerves and me to be really weak. I am really trying my best and learning every day about what to and what not to – in these moments of fulfillments I actually feel proud.
Fighting feelings is one of the hardest things, especially with irrational thoughts I believe. If I can fight half and every day a little more of my bad thoughts everyone can. It doesn’t mean how angry we are or how unfair it is. Your loved one doesn’t deserve to be called something ugly you actually don’t think. Your dear friends don’t deserve to be hurt even if they have been complete disappointments, hurt you or do something you don’t like. Your family members don’t deserve to be pushed down mentally just because you need to feel better.
Everybody deserves love. Say good things. If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything until you are sure it’s what you actually think and want to say.
Another way to learn about it is to really start listening to people – learn from their mistakes.
