It’s nice to see how the whole world celebrates love. It’s not so nice when love is measured in gifts. It really gets to me how every possible special day turns faster and faster into “I WANT GIFTS OTHERWISE I AM DISAPPOINTED AND SO LONELY”. The work is done also because I work in a shopping center and I just see how desperate people are about making at least something like otherwise, something bad happens…
It just was Valentine’s day and this triggered me to think about it. I am deeply thankful that my boyfriend understands me about not liking this kind of gift-surprise-responsibility and agrees. We had a deal not to celebrate. Why? Why should I not celebrate something with such a beautiful meaning?
Well, gifts are just extra things, sweets are not good for you, activities – everybody goes to spas and hotels that day or cinema or restaurants… Every month we have our own special date anyway so we said nice things and kissed and hugged and I was happy with this.
Get my point? No? Read on.
Surprises are awesome. Gifts are cool. Showing love is absolutely amazing and going for romantic dates is interesting – don’t stop doing all of these amazing things.
But the thing is, let’s start from the beginning of the steps I have learned –
Surprises are way better when they are not expected.
Let’s be honest, everybody waits for something on special dates. Be it however small or big, it is not a real surprise if you wait for it to happen. It is more like a confirmation: ‘Huh, he/she still loves me’.
A surprise is something that is one’s personal idea, doesn’t come from social pressure or any other cultural pressure. That the other won’t expect to happen. I don’t see that it’s special when I KNOW that until I die, every 14. February I will get 50 roses and every Mothers’ day my children will only then tell me they love me.
Some traditions are beautiful don’t get me wrong – Christmas for family gatherings and Mothers’ day to cook for your mom, Valentines to remind your friends once again you love them, but maybe all that money spent on that day could be used to surprise someone on a totally random day, them not expecting. Which leads to –
Making random days special is way more special and we don’t need things to feel whole.
Am I right? You come home from work and your man waits there with flowers, isn’t it beautiful? This shows 10 times more love than an act of responsibility.
But even in this case if I could choose I would choose every day for 7 days in a row 10 minutes of cuddling and playing with my hair over gifts and flowers. The act has more value than a thing overall.
“But I will feel left out when every other person in my social circle gets attention and I just am like random /lonely.”
So what? Why has it become something that you have to show off? Or can’t you show off on the random day when your partner shows you love sincerely? I mean this gets everyone definitely more jealous (if that is what you want to achieve) than doing something that EVERYBODY does that day. You know what people probably think about going to social media? “Today is not the day to be here.” Everybody posts their gifts showing how special they are. It’s not special if it is done by all at the same time, it’s typical.
And those who feel lonely, why do you suddenly feel lonely? Is this day actually different from any other day? I mean if you don’t have a partner you should not care about the day or you know, everybody has friends. Just because we don’t have someone yet doesn’t mean this is the day to mope around, just do what you always do and let those love birds go crazy with chocolate and flowers. What I have learned is that most of the people feel pressure over that day anyway, so it is not so enjoyable when you are expected to improve.
Please don’t let yourself be dragged down by the thought of “I don’t get attention”. You will get it on another day and you don’t know what is going on in other relationships. Maybe this is the only day they are appreciated so much, is it really worth you feeling sad?
Celebrate love, not gifts. Special dates are typical, random days can be special. It’s special when you are remembered on every other day. Which brings me to –
Don’t stop going on romantic dates whenever you actually want
So, we all know what most of the people around us do on Valentines’ day… Or on any given special date. There is a stereotype for every holiday, special date or celebration. Which means – places will be crowded. Restaurants will be crowded, cinemas, hotels-spas.
It is totally fine because these are perfect couple celebrating places and sadly from my experience (this year I was just the bystander) – not a single person surprised me with their ideas. I was glad I wasn’t one of the girls whose man wasted money on 50 flowers and made a booking in an expensive restaurant just so I could get a confirmation about something expected.
Hand on heart recommendation – go on a date at least once every month. I’m not saying we should all waste money every month, dates don’t have to be expensive or being an expense at all. It just opens your eyes how ordinary Valentine’s day actually is when you learn to love this way every month. Surprising and sharing every month. No limit on how many times. Just at least once a month.
This is what I actually practice in my life in general. Do things you enjoy and that make you feel good whenever you feel like. You like the sauna? Make it on a totally unusual day and enjoy the treat. You like pancakes? Make them on a workday and enjoy the treat. Who says we can’t make a bath and a glass of wine on a Monday night? If we need it, we shouldn’t push it forward, you know – tensions grow, get one – let go of one.
You like going on dates, but you don’t have anyone to go with? Go on a date with yourself. Put your phone away, write something, read or just look around, look at people and the interior, see life and learn to know what you like about a date anyway. It has been made sad in some kind of society book, but it is definitely not and it actually is eye-opening. I went to the cinema alone, loved it and I actually started to enjoy the me-and-myself dates making me go to coffee places alone and take a pause from every day “loneliness”.
SHOWING LOVE SHOULD BE EVERYDAY HABIT NOT A SPECIAL OCCASION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So when we learn that all these ‘special’ things we can actually do every day and we don’t have to wait for a Mothers’ day or Valentine’s day to say “I love you”, we will learn that every day can be more special. We should let ourselves enjoy life, not make up more time limits for dates and treats or gifts and surprises and more importantly – a time limit to relax and enjoy. Open your eyes and try to live a little more off the tracks that society has made.
Love is special we all know it, but it should not be. It should be something typical, something everybody has. The difference is that it shouldn’t be taken for granted. Let it be typical, but always appreciate it. Which means – surprise your partner on a basic day, cook something nice on a random day, go out for a date on a day everyone stays at home after work. Get my point?
Love can come easy, but it doesn’t stay easy. Gifts won’t make it stay and losing those expectations can make life easier for everyone and especially for the one who learns to see the act that comes from the heart more precious than a society-responsibility gift.
Still feeling like you want to make others jealous and compete on a special date? think about it…
Your boyfriend buys you 50 roses and a huge teddy bear on Valentines’ day, you post it, you go check other peoples posts, see that someone else got 100 roses, boyfriend flew from the other side of the planet just to see her for one night and brought her a freaking ring to marry her. Well, you lost. You lose less on the days when it’s not worldwide, then you are more on the spotlight, but even then it’s someone’s birthday or someone is better. So drop that thought. Share only with love or with good intentions.
You can’t win anyway. Love isn’t a race.
