Sky full of stars 10. September 2017
I have been listening to Coldplay on repeat for a week now- when you try your best and you don't succeed. I learned this week that it takes a year to run out of the energy I collected with a year in Malta. I have to take D-vitamin and I need to sleep a lot more than while living with sun hand in hand. Every little bad thing can make me fall apart and it's really hard to keep myself warm at all occasions. The only place I never feel cold is in my own home. I listen to those guitar songs again, I actually call them campfire songs. I couldn't listen to these songs in Malta, because it was too shiny every day and it wasn't cozy. To be honest, I didn't need to be comforted. Now I do, I do a lot. I call my friends just to ask them am I still good and are we good and to tell them I love them to hear that they love me too. Basically, winter is coming. A chaos for me. A storm in my head, an everyday fight because of the lack of love and the sun around me. If I survive the winter, I can do anything. I survived living abroad, having no money and no apartment of my own, with no plan and a shitty job, no friends and no family, still, I see Estonian winter as my second worst enemy. Right after being always the second (not even the second) girl to all the guys who tell me I am something to them I don't actually see I am. I have been working most of the week and talked about some earth and oceans with the boys who work with me. I get off the bus after 12 hour day and the only person I actually want to talk to, can't even make a 5-minute call for me so I could hear a good voice. (Good voice as the people who have the ability to make me calm, the people who I actually want to hear). I handled myself quite okay, I was even dancing one night around my big lonely room and I felt like I have never been happier. I haven't. It didn't last long like I said everything gets me down easily. I went to visit the man whose voice is the only one I want to hear late nights and early mornings, all day long and it was probably the worst day I have had since March. I couldn't be with him as I planned and I heard what I was afraid with all my heart to hear. Worst day as I cried in a bus for two hours and I was thinking why don't people appreciate what they have? Why don't people respect what they have? Why do they want to hurt the people who give everything they can to them? I can do whatever in the world and it won't be enough? I am enough. I call to my girl Marta crying and she tells me I deserve the world and I do. I deserve to be taken by hand after waiting hour and a half in cold rain, I deserve to be told every damn good thing there is to say after I get stabbed into the back and I decide to forgive while pulling the knife out and just crying because of the pain that comes from opening up an old wound. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be given the best possible attitude, the best of you. I deserve to be loved. I deserve it and I know it and still I get poured over with shit. Not being appreciated. Do I not make myself clear enough? Do I play stupid again because of fighting for someone AGAIN who maybe doesn't even want anything like that in life? Am I not worth fighting for that I am always the one doing it?
HOW TO FORGIVE Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else no matter how they hurt you
August 2016, I was laying down on the beach in Malta at night with the boy who I knew wasn't for me and I wasn't for him, but I was laying down and I appreciated every night we were laying on the beach under the clear sky full of stars, I couldn't fall asleep because it was so beautiful. I just admired the stars and I was time-traveling. In my imagination, I was there with a man who loves me, not with the boy who doesn't know how to appreciate me. And I was there. I was there in the moment, but I was in the future at the same time. I was happy. In those moments when he was asleep and I was there alone, I was happy, I couldn't think a better place to be at. I knew then that there will be a moment better, where there will be next to me, with me, awake with me someone who cares about the beauty of the world and who knows how to really appreciate what is there now. And the sky full of stars made me realize that there is nothing better than to have the real company. To have someone for real, that you are not alone while being with them. I am tired, so tired of the people who are but are not. They tell you that they are in for it. In for a relationship (which is also for friends in my case) and then just fail to try their best while I try my best. It means to call worried in the middle of the night that did I really get home safe. It means coming to pick me up after work even though I have a bus to go home to, but knowing I had a bad day. Knowing to call when I tell I need to talk and hear me crying on the phone or to be ready to cry for me on the phone. It is being in for it and appreciating the hard times and the good times. How many times do I have to say that this is important, to be appreciated? It's really important for me. I do it, I do it a lot. I go to bed and I appreciate, I walk on a bus and I appreciate, I look at my rain boots and I appreciate, I call my mom and I appreciate, I finish last day of work and I appreciate. I appreciate that it's all good around me. Yes, I don't appreciate the rain anymore and I don't appreciate my bad mood. I used to, I used to have respect for myself, let myself fall into the bad mood and live it out, I gave myself time and then I gave myself love with words in my head. It has been rainy so long and I am tired of the rain that every time the sun comes out I feel so strong appreciation coming from the deep of my heart that I need to dance. I close my eyes to the sun and I just let it be, I travel in time. I go back to the time I had it all days and I remember thinking: "One day, I will think back here and I will thank myself for laying hours on the beach reading a book, listening to waves." I collected it for the bad times. In feelings, it has run out, in memory it hasn't. One night in August this year, it wasn't cloudy and it was the full moon. My moon. I came from Tartuff and I was sad. I took 10 blankets and my dog, I hid into my dinosaur onesie and I went outside and laid down on the blankets on the grass. I faced the moon and I just stared at the stars. I cried. I was happy I had the moment for me. It was completely different from the Malta experience and I realized that it doesn't matter if I had better. Matters that I am deciding to be here, I am not going anywhere and I have to see the things around me good even if somewhere else is seemingly better. If I can't love what I have, If I don't know how to appreciate it, how will I appreciate the 'better' thing when I'll have it the same way like I have everything now.
People are always running somewhere and I am tired of it. I am tired of men wanting to be rich and not giving a damn about the woman who stands by them. I am tired of hearing how my girls get their hearts broken and how good boys tell me how they end up with girls with broken hearts and not being able to love just play. I am tired of people wanting to get everything easy. I am tired of everyone looking at you like you are stupid to take days just to enjoy the little. It is like life is not happy, you can't have any emotions until you have achieved the rich life with 100 women around you. Until then the only person I care about is me. NO. Until the time comes, you will throw away the years of getting to know someone for real, you throw away the memories you could have, the late night drives just to see your love for one night, you pick the things that don't matter, the things that have no value. Always looking for better and ending up having nothing at all. That is what I am tired of, I am tired of being there just to be looked over. To always have other options after me, there is always someone better and I am tired that people don't realize they break hearts with always looking for a better one. "I believe in quality over quantity. If you can't give your best, you might as well give anything at all." I miss the stars and I miss the sea. I always felt like they appreciate me back. I left the beach always with a happy heart. I was on a bus one night after work and there was an English man sitting in front of me. The bus was quite empty and it was quiet. He burst into tears like I burst yesterday. It was really like secret crying until he called to someone and started talking. He cried and talked and it was the most powerful emotional real life moment I have ever had (right after hearing my mother crying alone in her room in the middle of the night). I wanted to cry also. It touched me and I wish more people would see it that way. It was something like - "Hey, so here I am on a bus at night and it is full of feelings, it is so strong It made me cry, it's so beautiful, the streetlights and empty bus with the people who have so strong vibes. It's beautiful and here I am calling my girlfriend to leave her. I can't do it anymore, you don't let me enjoy the beauty in life. You don't see how life goes by, you don't notice the tiny golden moments you just see the reality of society. You don't let me enjoy life and you don't enjoy it yourself. I can't do it anymore, I want to enjoy the little moments like this, it is what actually matters in life." That is what should matter, even if you have little, if you can't enjoy it even a second you are brainwashed, if you can't appreciate what you have, you are brainwashed and being honest about it, it matters. What the hell are you going to tell when you always look for the better? How you had no one who wanted to stay with you because you broke their hearts and how you always appreciated money but not the people who gave everything to hold you. Some people really pull it off, the alone life, but really those people love the world. They travel, they meet people, they have stories to tell. But what I have seen more and more, it's all about the money and beautiful girls. It is not about showing your favorite places to someONE special and it is not about wanting to watch the stars with someONE. It is not about talking about childhood and it is not about talking about life with someONE. It is about money and more beautiful women and men they could have all. I'd like to say that open your eyes, but eyes are too open. I must say that close your eyes and tell me can you really see the beauty of the world or are you brainwashed by the society. You can't have it all. You can have more when you start really appreciating what you already have. Even if it is not what you would like to end up with. Appreciate it. Maybe you will have less in a day and then what. You will regret the hell out of your mind that you didn't know to love what you have. People want to be alone and have as many different people around them as possible while I want to grow with the same people around me. People forget what really matters in the everyday rush of money, half naked women, fast cars and everything else that you can see with eyes. I at the same time, keep my eyes closed too much. But I prefer anytime to remember that in life, it is not about things, it is about feelings. There are things that make me happy. I love my old not working not so great camera, it gives me a happy heart every time I hold it in my hands, now I see it is time to move on for a better one, but it is not like until I don't have a better one, the one I have is not good enough. It is. It is the love of my life, it has saved my life more than anything and anyone else. It is how I appreciate my family and my friends and my future (not in the past, I checked) lover. I also care about money and half naked men and awesome cars, but until I have enough money to eat and do what I want, have one man and a working car to go to places. I would be happier than being rich and have my dreamy Range Rover, but no one to appreciate it with. Thank you Mom for keeping me always surrounded with the reminder that people matter, not money. Thanks my people, for being the people that matter.
