11. August 2017
How big of a difference there is in living, living and living. I have tried them all with a strong contrast. Let's start with the living, but really, is it living?
I was waiting, my whole life. Was waiting for that line of getting 18 so I don't have to fight about what I want to do with my time, waiting for that unbearable high school to end, waiting to move out of parents house, waiting for that glorious grown up time. so how I lived those years? Living for me was getting home as fast as possible, to hide in my room and to eat while watching movies. I watched hundreds of movies(267 movies in a year) and I must point out that I did go to school at some point and I did go to work. But living for me was being inside my protecting four walls and not even trying to do something, because soon, so soon, everything I have been waiting will come to me. And everything I liked doing I didn't see will be any good for me now. No, no, no.
After that really long waiting, I was finally there, with my own money, school finished, 19 and ready to move out to another country. That year was living in a totally different way. It was exciting and hard. It was not happy, no, but it was enjoyable. Every day was a day that I had a chance meeting someone new to talk about something new, going to someplace stunning, learn something I didn't know. It was me living the life I didn't like next to the people that were not really my kind of people, but you know, since I was there already, let me just go with it. I went with it for awhile and it was awesome, to get to know myself, to get to know others and the most important, to get to know life a bit. Especially in ways some will never know. Time flew by and hundreds of things I wanted to do, I didn't have time for them, I did things that were done easier and that everyone did. I went with the flow. I did find myself, but more in ways of what I don't want to do and what I don't like. I did also get new connections and even friends, who were more similar to me than the other crowd on the island.
So now I am sitting here in my yard, in Estonia, back from where I started, looking for another way. I am sitting here in my yard every damn day, I haven't had a job for 3 months, AGAIN. But this time I have a plan and I am not just waiting like years ago, also I am not diving into the unknown like last years. I am taking my time for myself. I don't hide between my four walls, I face myself. I read books, I write, I watch movies, I work out, I don't comfort eat, I dance and I really listen to music, I feel, I love, I am sad and happy, I sleep under the stars and I meet with those few people I care about and with those, I haven't seen for years. I don't have money, I don't have a job, I don't really have people around me, but I live. The way I was years ago, hiding behind my computer, feeling always the one and only feeling of "what's the point anyway" and sadness around me, that's not it anymore.
That's the first time in my life, I feel like I am living, even if every other thing in my life is in a waiting position. Like I am waiting for the answer that will I go to school or no. Because of that, I am waiting for the answers about the job. About my living. About a relationship. About next year. I am waiting for everything to go into a place and yes, it is driving me crazy, that I know so little about my life right now.
The living is basically waiting, but on the other side, I am living for me, every day is for me. These past 3 months I have learned to do everything I love as an everyday habit. Before the things were more dependent on my motivational waves, that do not come so often. I don't have answers and things are not really going, but it hasn't stopped me from living. And I know how amazing it was to face different and exciting every day, and I know how hard and not exciting it is for me to stay without answers, to stay put without anything moving anywhere.
A huge difference in living, living and living. And The way I lived a year ago or the way I lived my teenage years, I don't really see them as living anymore, even though it used to be all for me, I thought that is it - this is my happiness and that is all I deserve. But no, no, no. Now I think I really deserve to live, but no one else can make me live for me, but myself. Yes, everything is not so great alone, life-partners are what I see as the most valuable thing in this life and I am glad I already have one plus my family. Support, honesty and love are keeping living alive. Maybe that is why I never started living earlier because no one came to me and said: "Get your sh't together and yes, I know it's hard, but I believe in you and now start moving your ass towards what YOU want." It took a little while to get to the point myself with a help of those few around me.
