I’m currently reading a book. The title of the book is what is the title of this post. It’s written by Mark Manson and all the quotes I’m making are from this book.
I’m probably not the right person to say if it’s good or bad, well you know, as the description of my blog says – there is no bad book. But you know what, It’s the first book after a really long time that got me on the first page. I have been reading it for a week (because it has only 204 pages. I am like that – something good I will take really slowly because I want it to last. I eat like that, I wear clothes like that, I take good days like that and read books like that.
I like it because it’s not like all the positive self-help-book-that-will-make-you-feel-bad-about-how-negative-you-are-and-really-can’t-manage-to-learn-to-be-happy-every-damn-day-like-the-book-says books.But that’s not why I come here to write after 2 months of silence, to tell about the book.I come here to tell you about the two pages I read and that hit me right to the right spot and really helped me with my understanding of life and the things I wish and dream about, the things I work for and have.
“What do you want in life?”
One of the most common questions of all time and no understanding how pointless the question really is.
[…] “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” your response is so common and expected that it doesn’t really mean anything. Everybody enjoys what feels good. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular […]. Everybody wants that. It’s easy to want that.
Right, can we argue? Of course, some people really don’t care about popularity or some about money or things, but in general, we all want the same things or feelings, we yearn for them and that’s why it’s an expected answer. I mean have you ever heard someone say: “I want to be poor and be sick and no money until I die lonely.” I haven’t heard and I sincerely hope you haven’t. I also don’t believe that someone actually would want that either.
So yeaaaah, getting to the real point. What should we ask instead? What would be the question that would ACTUALLY show us who the person is and who are we?
A more interesting question, a question that most people never consider, is, “What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?” Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out. […]That’s the hard question that matters, the question that will actually get you somewhere. It’s the question that can change a perspective, a life. It’s what makes me, me, and you, you. It’s what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.
So take a moment to think about it. Is there ANYTHING that you are willing to struggle for?
What does it mean anyway? Why should we struggle when the thing is good? And how come now suddenly we are supposed to be okay when things are not good and see it as we are struggling for the good? Nanaah, right? Because every damn self-help book says that good things make you feel good and every day you wake up with a smile and life is good and everything is easy and you feel no bad feelings.
I actually looked for help from these books and I know how much worse they made me feel, mostly because I like to have all the feelings and I need to (also can’t always choose) feel low to know what’s really going on. Therefore it’s a pretty question that should really show us what we want.
For example. I got my answer to my big question about why I am so stuck in between getting higher education and not getting. I do dream about having the knowledge and finally getting something big done and everyone looking at me like “wow, she smaaaart”. But you know what? I would not enjoy going to school, I would be annoyed by homework and hate exams and I would absolutely not tolerate at all not having the time to live my own life and grow mentally. So it is not actually what I want. I would quit because in the middle of the school I would realize once again that it wouldn’t be worth it for me in my own eyes.
Yeah Matu, but how are you ever gonna want to do anything if you are THAT lazy, almost everything has at least one of the things that you don’t want to do. And that’s why I was struggling. Because I want to learn and grow, I want to finish something big, but not big for society, big for me. Which means simply – I am willing to put all my free time to learning, I am willing to do exams and go to classes, BUT but but but ONLY when I actually want it. And how do we know we want it? We are ready to suffer for it.
Do you know when was the first time ever I didn’t feel a fear-shake at all on or in my body? when I got into the yoga teacher course. A big final exam, homework, going to classes from my free weekends with my boyfriend, feeling tired, etc. And nothing, I know it’s coming, I’m ready for it. I am ready to struggle for it. I am not ready to struggle to be a lawyer or an accountant, or anything else. Seriously. I don’t know about you, but I learned REAL fast that I don’t want to sweat and panic, cry and compromise my life for nothing. Only for the greater good, right?
In my last year, I have learned that life will not get good if I live on the moment-happiness. I really had to start learning the for-the-greater-good, for the long run. I do it so that in my future I will be joyful, obviously, it would be sweet and easy to just waste money right now and travel and eat out, buy dresses and makeup and surprise my man every day, go to schools to learn anything, just to calm down my wondering and panicking mind. But where will it take me? If I do things I don’t truly care about or don’t truly take me somewhere the problems will be annoying and therefore I won’t be as happy as I could be.
Because happiness requires struggle. It grows from problems. Joy doesn’t just sprout out of the ground like daisies and rainbows. Real, serious, lifelong fulfillment and meaning have to be earned through the choosing and managing of our struggles.
So once again, sit down, think with a really open mind, what are you ready to struggle for?
Everything takes an effort and nothing is problem-free. That’s how it is. The thing with problems is that if you really enjoy the doing that makes up those problems, they are not as big problems as to those who wouldn’t enjoy them.
My mother would teach me when I was young, to imagine problems as challenges that needed a solution. That’s what problems turned into for me when I think about yoga-school, just tasks I need to do. When I candidated to accounting, I was terrified of the thought of exams and they didn’t really feel like just something I get done and then it’s done.
People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that come with living inside a gym for hour upon hour […].
Okay, another example- relationships. People really talk about how they don’t have friends and I used to too. Until I understood that if you never find the time or take it into your own hands, push down your ego, compromise your own time and money to meet, spend time with them – you’ll lose friends. Obviously, if you are the only one who has to push your friends, think again about what’s a friendship for you.
If you dream about friendships that last years and years, it is not just the fun times spending time together. It means – compromising, misunderstanding, not finding time because of the busy times and not forgetting them because of it, changing moods and attitudes, accepting new people beside them, listening to long sob stories or again and again about their problems, forgiving and making up, finding time to meet them even if your life is busy, growing apart, losing friends and finding new ones.You know, that’s the harsh truth behind the friendships, you can’t have them if you don’t make an effort for them.
There it is, if you don’t want to make an effort or it seems too much hustle to you, it means you actually don’t want it, you want the good part, the easy part, the award.
The same way goes for boyfriends and girlfriends.
Probably everyone can remember finding themselves in a spot where they were left by someone because it was too much “bullsh*t” and they were there for only the good part. There is no other truth about it than the person who left doesn’t actually want a relationship. Though now that I think about it, probably some people don’t actually understand the meaning of LOVE or RELATIONSHIP or FAMILY or MONEY. They think these are all happy and easy words that don’t seem to include real life.
Most people want to have great sex and an awesome relationship, but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings, and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder, “What if?” for years and years, until the question morphs from “What if?” into “What else?” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail, they say, “What for?” If not for their lowered standards and expectations twenty years prior, then what for?
So third time, think again what are you ready to suffer for?
You want to go to school – write down all the worst things that might happen and what school puts people through, and see if you are willing to face them and if you feel like you can do it.
You want a relationship, think again if you are ready for the drama and the jealousy, fights and misunderstandings and all of the things that a relationship can have.
You want a dog, think about all the things you have to do, worry about and compromise to have one.
I know it seems horrible to think about bad first, but that’s what will make the difference if it’s a dream or an actual goal for you. If you only think about the good, it will be a dream, because we all want the good part of all our desires, there are few desires one actually would work for.
This is not about willpower or grit. This is not another admonishment of “no pain, no gain.” This is the most simple and basic component of life: our struggles determine our success. Our problems birth our happiness, along with slightly better, slightly upgraded problems.
I wanted to share that thought with all of you. I have had many ideas to write here, but I didn’t find myself sitting behind my laptop with nice weather and a mood to do something outside. I did write in my notebook and at some point, it will get here also.
It’s funny how I am lazy, unmotivated or procrastinating until I am not. Just like that. I am glad the book hit me and got me going. I missed writing a longer post that needed my brain to be way more active than for my Instagram picture capture.
Let’s get all better at doing the things we love. Because love is the key to happiness. We need to love our lives, we need to love our people, we need to love ourselves. If we don’t, we need to learn. I am learning and I am sharing as much as I can find the words for it. I hope it made you think about your life too and if it didn’t, I really recommend reading the book. Read the book even if my post made you think!
