Lately I have been overwhelmed and somehow I punish myself on that thought because I see people around me going through school and way more difficult things than I am, at least seemingly. It’s not healthy of me to beat myself for that. I have my overwhelmed and others have theirs.
I know why it has happened and I will take a moment to reflect on my feelings.
I don’t have the “time out”. I absolutely LOVE these. My god how I love to feel like time stands still. I have had this kind of days, nights, mornings since I was a kid until moving to Tallinn. Like time never stops here and it’s really starting to feel like something is taking away the air I’m breathing? It’s really a challenge for me.
I did live in the middle of life in Malta, but somehow there was super easy to get away. I had people around me who loved to get away, to put away phones and computers, to just sit, look at the stars and talk about life, share thoughts about it. It always somehow felt down to earth to sit on the roof in between hundreds of houses and noise and city life, look at millions of stars 12 o’clock at midnight and talk about anything. I did sleep many nights on the beach, so many hours away from “NOW”.
In Tallinn I feel in some ways like I am trapped. I know life is mine to make, but I also know that life can’t always be exactly like a dream and you have to make work what you got. But here it’s way more complicated than it was in Malta. Though it is a city, sea is here, sun shines and people are around the same way. Yet it’s different kind of a city
In six months I have learned that this city never stops. I know there are some spots that do have a good vibe, but it’s kind of hard to get away from the feeling. Everywhere is stuff, people, noise, everywhere is the city. It’s really hard to take time out. It hurts my soul. How do I heal it?
How have I always healed my soul where I feel like my soul is not getting a rest. (Mostly because I am not strong enough for certain places and situations). I have always taken the time out.
Was it my first friend with whom I talked every night on the phone for HOURS while looking at the stars. Was it my rough teenage years, through what my mother helped me taking nights just sitting down in front of a candle and talking about all the heavy I was carrying. Or was it all the summer nights I just took the time and sat on a swing with my dog on my lap and looked at the sunset. Or was it my family going to nature every weekend to “TIME OUT” life. Was it one of my soulmates I met in Malta with whom we met right away when we needed a time out and had a few hour talk under naked sky. Or was it my friend in Estonia who used to take to me to nature every time it got too much for us, or with whom we lied on the bed cuddling and just enjoying being in that doing-nothing moment. Nothing heals me better than a time out. NOTHING.
It’s just a company of another, silent or talking all out of yourself. Be it whatever the mood wants us, be it how many hours we need it.
I know now how easy it is to forget it and to just give up on the thought, how damaging it is to just give up fighting on the time out. “Ah, everyone else is just going with time and they never stop, why should I. Plus they never seem to complain about not having time for their souls so I must be extra weak.” I have hurt myself with these thoughts, but it certainly doesn’t work like that.
My last therapy session was going around the topic of other women, fears, and jealousy. And the first time ever I felt like this really went into my heart, how my therapist said: “You are absolutely normal for being as you are and you are not to change your values you deeply believe in your heart. You are to make them work in your life, not give up on them.”
I need, want, love and dream about time out. Which means I will find a way for it, even in the city I don’t feel like I could. I will find at least a place that is enough for breathing slowly and closing eyes for a second. As said before, it doesn’t mean I need nature, complete silence and being alone to have a rest for my soul.
But somehow I am stuck on the thought of how to find the person with whom to do these breaks. Someone who understands it the way as I do. It’s hard to beg people to go to nature with you or always kind of push them, it’s so much more freeing when those who do actually want to go and wait for it to get away. Or wait for the days of staying away from media; or them surprising me with the desire to sit outside with me and talk or be silent.
Therapy has also revealed to me that to me talking and walking is the way out. I have always known it and sometimes talking about life and universe really is like taking a walk.
I can’t wait for the times when I and my partner will move away from the city to someplace countryside and I can walk out of my own house to my garden barefoot and spend the day outside with no noise or dirty grass. I wish I could right now walk out, just lay down and not feel like a complete weirdo.
Now let me make clear one another thing about the time out.
Me needing to step out of my life shows how I am actually not yet living the life I truly wish for, which is okay. My souls’ dream is that I could live a life where time out is a part of my life not that I have to find time for it. That it always is there naturally, I will make sure my partner won’t get lost in time also. Somehow I am really aware of how my health falls strongly when I forget what life is about and no, it is not about work.
If you don’t really get what a time out is I’ll give you a list of things that do work as a time out, some more some less.
Writing this blog post outside on a balcony (like talking to myself).
Sitting outside under the sky, closing eyes and letting yourself sink into your mind and surrounding.
A looooong bus drive.
Going to the nature, sitting down completely away from the roads and noise and drinking tea, making barbecue, letting your thoughts free.
Taking a bath.
Going to spa or a hotel for a night.
Taking the time to step out of your life with someone and talk. (Going somewhere other to talk than just staying in your basic four walls.)
Sleeping under the sky.
Going to a quiet beach to listen to or look at waves or to take a nap in the quiet.
Taking a media-free day with someone and doing something mind freeing instead.
Or sitting outside at night with someone looking a the weather and enjoying silence.
Going to some fun beach for a whole day with someone you can have fun with and forget that you are a grown up.
Reading a book that is not about serious life we are living on this planet earth.
… because there are more and I’d like you to think ways that work for you
And now I will give you a list of reasons why a time out is good for ourselves.
It clears our minds.
It let’s good ideas get to you.
It will relax your body and mind from the tensions.
It will help you look at your life from the side, therefore you can actually see if you are doing what you think you are supposed to do.
Sharing with another the time out moment, it will bring the two of you closer.
Sharing thoughts will also make your mind more clear and helps you get answers faster.
You can find what you love faster when you take time to reflect.
Your physical health will be stronger – happy mind, happy body.
Release work stress and forget about work without taking a vacation.
Make hard weeks a little more tolerable.
Calm down and prepare your mind for something that can be anxiety producing and stressful.
Because we all have so many other reasons and I’d like you to think about what good could a time out do to you.
Okay, last thing.
A time out shouldn’t be something that is done only once a month. There are things we should do every day and this is one of them. Be it drinking tea in the morning, meditating 15 minutes at work or stretching at night before bed. At least a tiny 10 minute time out every day will already make your life better.
Another step is to find something bigger like at least 30 minutes that happens every week, can be longer right. For example quiet yoga alone or sauna routine, or bath or going for a long walk, or sitting down in a tiny cafe place to taste something while thinking or write, or simply looking at people and surrounding. Sitting down with a partner on a balcony or meeting a friend for a walk.
And the last step would be every month something bigger. Like a getaway, go away from your regular four walls for a night. If you can’t for a night at least find a whole day, when you leave in the morning and come back in the evening, to hike around, go to nature, eat someplace new, be with someone, go to a spa or go to a weekend trip to somewhere. Doesn’t matter, just get out of the routine.
It’s not that much, even if we have a million things to do, we are supposed to be able to find time for our souls for forever and beyond. We can’t forget that we didn’t come here to work, study and push ourselves until we are totally empty. Of course, there are people who feel like working is their life’s purpose, but it won’t change the fact that even they should step outside at some point. Sometimes it’s good to take a breath and see if you are doing it right, look at your life from the side and then forget it all for a second, just so you could go back to working stronger.
